The Bubbly Stuff

The late Christopher Hitchens’s once said, “The four most over-rated things in life are champagne, lobster, anal sex and picnics.”
I have never liked champagne, but it is compulsory to drink it on special occasions like weddings or New Year’s Eve. It’s so engrained into the fabric of our society that we even give sparkling apple cider to children and people that abstain from partaking in the pleasures of alcohol. For some reason bubbles are linked to fun like Pavlov’s bell was linked to food for dogs.
This year I will not be drinking any champagne because I have to work, but I thought it would be fun to write something on the process of making it. Most people never think of these things and since a lot of people have been telling me that I have a lot of useless information I thought it would be fun to share some interesting factoids about what you’ll probably be drinking during the first few seconds of 2012.
Most people are aware that there is a difference between sparkling wine and champagne. Because governments like to make useless laws, for an adult beverage to be called “champagne” it must come from a certain region in France, the Champagne region. This is the conventional wisdom. If you’re like me, and you like to exploit conventional wisdom and impress some of your friends at the same time—you can bet (perhaps your next drink) that there is “champagne” that does not come from France. You have to be subtle, and bets like this tend to work better on drunken people, but you will surely win.
All you have to do is say Korbel. It’s made in Guerneville, California near the Russian river. I’ve been there twice and even though I don’t like champagne, I found it interesting to learn about. According to Wikipedia, Korbel relies on a semi-generic provision under U.S. Law to call its sparkling wines California Champagne, but on the tour they give another reason. The treaty of Madrid was written in 1891 and this contains the provision reserving the term “champagne” for sparkling wine produced in this special region of France. Korbel was founded in 1882. Therefore, they used the term “champagne” before the law was created. In essence—they were grandfathered in like when you get unlimited internet on your cell phone even though it’s now limited to 2GB for new customers.
I should edit the Wiki, but I’m too lazy.
Creating champagne is a process. The first step is the same as any other winery. Grapes juice is mixed with yeast and barreled until it ferments into wine. Most people are familiar with this process. IF you’ve never been to a winery, you’ve at least probably seen the episode of I Love Lucy where she steps on the grapes.. . so you probably have at least a rudimentary idea of how the process works. After the wine is produced, and this is the part I find fascinating, it’s bottled. The difference between champagne and Two-Buck Chuck is the second fermentation process. A second batch of yeast and sugar is added to the bottle. The wine is fermented again. This creates the bubbles and the distinct taste that differs from wine. It also makes it stronger. The level of sweetness is dependent on how much sugar is added to the second fermentation process. This is called the dosage, pronounced Doe-ssage (like massage) The dryer the champagne the less the dosage is added and vice-versa.
Adding yeast to a bottle presents an interesting problem. At some point you have to get it out. Traditionally this is done by storing the bottles and a 45 degree angle with the cork facing downward. Hundreds of them were placed on a rack just like this. Then the bottles were moved by a man that had to wear a face mask in case one of the bottles exploded and shot the cork off, which was fairly common. Each bottle had to be shifted twice a day so the yeast would settle to the top of the bottle. It is done with hydraulics now, but it’s more fun to think of someone actually doing it by hand.
The last step in the process is to freeze it and then take off the cork. Once frozen the yeast pushes out of the bottles. Consequently, so does some of the liquid. Another problem for the champagne makers is each bottle contained a different amount of liquid. The solution was to add foil to the top. This concealed the discrepancies in volume between different bottles. Technology has now eliminated the need for this concealment, but the foil still remains. It is now part of the allure; it gives it that certain specialness. Foil became a mark of luxury. This is why Imperial margarine is wrapped in foil, the makers of Imperial margarine tried to capture that same allure. (Don’t eat that crap by the way. It’s full of trans-fat.) Trans-fat is more dangerous than terrorism.

So this year, when you drink that bubble stuff, you can tell your friends how it’s made. Raise your glass, think of how I’ll be working and have a Happy New Year.